Nourishment for your spiritual awakening

Published by Lola

Don’t be put off by the title this is a very positive post!  Following on from the theme of embracing all of you, I have been reading a fabulous book called Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford.  It’s all about how we bury parts of ourself for one reason or another and how we react when we see it in others.  “If you can see then you have it” and “the world is your mirror” are personal development phrases that spring to mind.  The dark side is literally anything you have percieved as bad and therefore buried and refused to admit exists within you.

Some of these aspects of ourselves are sooo deeply buried that we are unaware that we have them.  So how do you recognise those deeply buried aspects?  They are the things that get right under your skin or make you hit the roof, in short give you an extreme reaction.  You see when people or situations really get to you, it’s because you are faced with a side of yourself you dislike and have refused to acknowledge exists.


For example, my Mum is a kind and generous woman, selfless to a fault.  Whatever she’s got she’ll share with people.  She was telling me a story about a woman that she felt was acting strangely towards her despite what my Mum had done for her.  Now, I’m a firm believer in simply putting it out there with good intent and not worrying about the outcome and my Mum is not easily offended so I couldn’t work out what bothered her so much.

The lady hadn’t really done anything that bad but my Mum was going on and on and on.  When I asked her about why she was so bothered, she said she wasn’t but she clearly was.  Through probing it turned out my Mum found the lady ungrateful and this was what really got to her.  Just to check I was on the right lines, I asked her how she felt about ungrateful people.  Yes I was on the right lines judging by the look on her face and the tone of her voice when talking about ungrateful people. 

I told her about the book and explained that in order for her to see it, she must be ungrateful somewhere.  She was open to the suggestion but swore blind that she never was.  Now, I’d seen an act of ungratefulness from her in the last 30 minutes, but she couldn’t see it. 

My Mum had just come back from America and doesn’t eat fruit or vegetables there because they’re too big.  Compared to our fruit and veg in England, it looks too weird and genetically modified.  So, my sister bought her lots of fruit and veg for her to eat and the first thing she did was criticise the fruit.  You see my sister hadn’t picked the fruit as Mum the expert fruit picker would have!

Once I’d pointed this out to her, she reluctantly admitted that sometimes she could be ungrateful too and this lady’s power over her had diminished.  Sometimes, just acknowledging to ourselves that we can be like that sometimes too is enough for the irritation to disappear.

I’ve been watching myself lately to see which aspects I have buried and just came across the most powerful one yet.  My boyfriend has people in his life that I wouldn’t have in mine and sometimes I have to listen to his moaning about them.  He also plays the role of rescuer in certain people’s lives, who in turn love to play victim.  But, hey it’s his life so I let him get on with it. 

Recently, I heard him on the phone to one of his victims and this conversation was getting right under my skin.  I found myself commenting out loud in frustration despite it having nothing to do with me.  I knew when the conversation finished I would be consulted and I was dreading it.  All I wanted to suggest was remove that person from your life, they are a drain and you’re not helping them or yourself.  But, another part of me was telling me there was something to learn here.  I became aware that whay couldn’t I think “oh that’s just what John’s like” and carry on along my merry way, but why couldn’t I do that?  If this person annoys me, that’s my problem not his and it was time to get to the bottom of it. 

I explored, what did I think of this person?  Well truth be told, I think they are a loser, that they have given up, nearly fallen out of society, love moaning and playing the victim and were just a sorry individual really.  I’m just being honest!

Now I had to admit where I were all these things.   Never, I’m not those things and I never would be!  Then it dawned on me, somewhere I did recognise these traits and was running scared from them.  I was deadly frightened of being a loser, of giving up and living off the state, of depending on other people and of feeling that I had no control over my life. To be sure that never happened to me, I overcompensated by constantly chasing achievement, success and being 150% ambitious.  This realisation brought me to tears, I didn’t know what a big deal this was for me but at least I could now release it. 

I didn’t want to even allow myself to understand how people could find themselves in certain situation as then maybe it could happen to me.  I thrive on independence but struggle to depend on people, I’ve always loved the concept of taking responsibility as then that would mean I could change things and am not at the mercy of the outside world.  

My life until now has been driven by fear!  Fear of failure, fear of loss, fear of losing control.  Even when I thought I was being driven by desire, it was fear in disguise.  I have lacked compassion for people that don’t take responsibility and refused to understand people, that in my opinion, “use excuses” or blame outside factors for their life situation.  My ambition, part of my core, is now under scrutiny.  Am I even ambitious after all or I am simply scared?  Only time will tell.

I am now allowing myself to acknowledge the side of me that is a loser,  a victim and out of control.  I know this sounds out of line with law of attraction but for me it is one and the same, this is part of getting clear.  I need to accept these sides so that I choose a driver of desire, not fear and really experience being one with everyone as opposed to lacking compassion and understanding with certain people.

In love, light and abundance x x x

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Oct 18, 2007
Filed under: Growth, Personal Power, Personal development